Change

Awhile ago, I was in a situation where it occurred to me that someone I cared about had no idea of the person that I am today. This person was completely unaware of all the changes I have gone through in the last couple of years. It was a poignant moment because I realized they may not have hope that things could change.

Let me tell the back story. I have always been very close to 'Q' throughout my life, but some years back our relationship started to change little by little. These changes were never addressed because there wasn't one bad event or comment you could point to...it was gradual. Then there was a tragedy. 'Q' was a strong support during Sutton's life and one of the incredibly small number of people who went through the daily ups and downs of his struggle. In short, 'Q' showed up and gave us unwavering selfless support and love during the scariest and most horrific moments of our life. And then they faded away. I was devastated. Another change in my life.

Change is a constant topic in our home. We talk about how the number of occupied bedrooms has changed. We talk about how our address has changed. We talk about how relationships have changed. We talk about how Aaron and I have changed. I think it's such a hot topic because really, everything has changed. We are trying to figure out how to react to the changes and how to become better people because of or in spite of all the changes.

When you lose your child or experience a deeply painful tragedy you are changed forever. It is impossible for you to stay the person you were prior to that experience. We have come to realize that you do one of two things; one becomes angry, bitter and negative or you work to be appreciative, compassionate and brave. The only thing you can't do is stay the same.

I have written so many times about how easy it is to get angry and bitter and how much work it is to avoid this path. But the work is worth it because if we didn't choose to be better versions of ourselves we would have learned nothing from Sutton.

So how, after all of that, did things change and why was it taking me so long to address it?

Well I found myself getting angry and hated every second of it. How could this person abandon me and my family? How could they add to our struggle? But I have changed and it's not about making someone feel bad, it's about changing what I can. So I reached out to 'Q' because I missed this person and the great relationship we had.

Why are apologies hard to give? Probably because it requires that you own your part of the argument or conflict. You have to let go of being "right" or justifying your actions because of how you yourself might have felt 'wronged'. It is a vulnerable position, but resistance or avoidance takes away from what's important. So as we sat down for coffee I was nervous about how my feelings and opinions would be received, but determined to try. You see, if I had done this a year ago, it would have been 'You did this', 'You hurt me - what do you have to say!' and nothing good would have from it. But not now. I simply explained that I didn't like where we stood and I wanted to find a way to be close again. I explained how devastated and hurt i was by things that have happened in the last year and a half. And the most amazing thing happened.

The person sitting in front of me simply said I'm so sorry I hurt you and I shouldn't have done that, it was wrong. There was no but, excuse, justification or lie. 'Q' took full responsibility and then asked what we can do to make it right. That right there opened the door.

Then it was my turn. I asked if I had hurt or angered 'Q' and I sat quietly as they shared their feelings with me. I felt horrible and immediately apologized. I took complete responsibility and admitted I should have handled situations differently. Thank goodness that 'Q' was gracious enough to accept my apology and believe that I wanted to do better. Again, this would probably gone completely different if I had this conversation a year ago.

Don't get me wrong, we didn't all of a sudden agree on everything, but we did recognize our own faults. There will be many more conversations and moments where we will need to work on our relationship, but what a great beginning. The best thing I received was having someone to talk to about Sutton and who wanted to be there for every step we try to take without him here with us.

I have thought many times about how differently the conversation could have gone. What if they didn't feel regret? What if they were sorry I was hurt but tried to rationalized their actions? What if I was self-righteous? What if I didn't give their feelings or opinions any value by refusing to take responsibility? I can't control others actions, so I would have had to walk away knowing I had done the right thing. But if I was the one in the wrong, it would be evident that I'm all talk.

I think these were all likely possibilities before....before Sutton died. But the fact that none of this happened speaks to what a wonderful person 'Q' is and how I'm working to be the best version of myself. This is one of the best ways to remember Sutton and to teach Cooper and Amos to be extraordinary men.

 

I always talk about how you may only have today, and as cliche as that sounds it is horribly true. I have learned that it can encourage you to right a wrong or to let go of things you can not change. As you walk into the new year and contemplate whether or not to make resolutions, I ask you to consider this as well.